Its amazing what we take for granted. I'm an energetic motivated person, a hard worker. But when it comes to safeguarding my health, I'm lazy, selfish, and short-sighted. Always pushing too hard, cutting corners and demanding more from myself. I could get away with this in my teens and 20s, but now I'm in my mid 30s and I feel OLD and decrepit. I ache and creak. Stiff and sore. I get tired. I'm overweight. My memory is terrible. Isn't this supposed to be what it's like in my 80s?!
My mother had a lot of challenges when she was in her 30s too. She had a lot of pain, and I remember how she would limp first thing in the morning, or really anytime she sat for too long. A couple years ago I injured the tendons in my foot while hiking vigorously. It took nearly a year for it to heal, and it was with a hollow kind of horror that I too would limp whenever I got out of bed, or after sitting awhile. I've had a back ache since I was a kid. In high school I had stress knots in my neck. For a couple years I have had problems with my hips and shoulders. Just within the last six months I've started having concerns with one of my knees and one of my wrists. I'm falling apart here!!!
Physically, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt. All I do is make withdrawals and borrow against the future, but I never make any deposits or investments. I shudder to think if I continued on this path for another 10 years, how my health would be bankrupted. And the last ten years have just flown by in a blink! I believe I still have time to turn this around. But I know somewhere along the line I will pass that point of no return. And there is so much I dream of being able to do with my life!
For the last couple of years I've been coming to the realization that I would rather be FAT & HEALTHY any day, than be SICK & SKINNY. What is life without health? About a month ago, I saw a wonderful
video. It's exactly what I needed to focus in on what to do next.
I also want to talk about self-esteem, and self-acceptance, even self-love.
When I was a young woman, I was obsessed with looking good. I started to get overweight in highschool. I'd go hungry and try diets because I needed to lose
just 10 pounds to be happy. My ultimate DREAM was to get back to my middle school weight of 115#. I would get myself all stirred up about what I wanted to change about myself, rejecting those things which were stealing my happiness. I hated my butt, hated that my inner thighs touched, hated my upper arm flab. So what was I gonna do about it? Boot Camp baby! I was gonna burn it all off in a flaming fury of determination and exercise. I was gonna starve those stupid fat cells of any unnecessary calories. I was going to ruthlessly eliminate cheese, pasta and pizza, and everything else that was frivolous fun food. I was militant, and angry at myself for being weak and selfish in the past. I was 135#, and I was sick of being this disgusting fatso. The only way I knew how to motivate myself was to be aggressive and feel bad about myself. In the midst of all the mania, I did finally find a smart plan called Body For Life, which included cardio, strength training and a balanced diet. But it was expensive with all the pills, powders, and protein supplements. For a time I looked good, felt good. Now, I may have been performing positive activities, but it was all done with an ill spirit. Then I got distracted.
And then, I got FFFFAAAATTTT.
I went back to eating really healthfully, but I stayed fat. I tried cutting my calories (because we need fewer calories as we get older) and instead of losing weight, I lost my energy instead. I stayed active. And I stayed FAT. I tried to revive my earlier strategies to no avail. So I decided I wouldn't worry about it. I had a wonderful husband who loved me and was affectionate, attentive and romantic despite my size. Then I had a couple really difficult chalenging times in my life, and for no discernible reason, I got FATTER.
So what now?
Now I just want to be grateful for what I do have. I am 34 years old, 5'5" and 180#. I'm not wheelchair bound; I can walk! I'm not so heavy that I can't garden, drive a car, or make love with my husband. I am blessed! I am young enough that I can go do anything I want with my life! I have no diseases. My brain still halfway works. I am humbled that my body still performs as well as it does with very little attention or care. But it deserves to be loved and nurtured. I deserve to be loved and nurtured too. So no more withholding approval from myself until I'm this thin ideal body. No more holding off on rewarding myself with pretty clothes until I'm a worthy size. No more Boot Camp. No more fighting with myself over what I should be. No more punishment. Just, NO MORE!
Today I accept myself, inside and out. I love myself, I appreciate myself. I am already pretty! I will do what is good for me today, honoring my appetite, my energy levels, my current limitations. I will gently press against these limitations until they ease. I will breathe. I will live my life and I will love my life! I've got some negative habits that I will transform into positive habits. I'm not gonna let myself down.
I'm gonna lift myself up!!!
Please, no matter where you are in your life, won't you consider your Big Picture too?
